scamcouver

fear & loathing in Lotusland

Month: August, 2014

Seen in Passing: Terminal & Station

by Zbigniew

Invasive Species

Heartlessness

by Zbigniew

From CP Rail’s Community webpage:

“At CP we know that a railroad may serve as the arteries of a nation, but at its heart is community. That’s why through CP Has Heart, we’re committed to improving the heart health of men, women and children across North America. And along the way, we’re showing heart whenever we can.”

 

The Worst of Vancouver, 2014 Edition: “Winners”

by Zbigniew

Dear Scamcouverites:

Thank you for completing the second annual Worst of Vancouver Survey. Your wit, wry observations and outright contempt are a ray of light, miraculously shining through a dense forest of construction cranes, glass towers and the persistent fog of obfuscation.

And on to the results …

1. The worst excuse for a public park

Winner, by a nose: Main & 18th Park (with such a name, and that is the official title, how could it be otherwise?)

Poodle

Also known as: “Poodle-on-a-Stick Park” and “That thing at 18th & Main Street”

Contenders:

  • Stanley Park (“Too many tourists.”)
  • Pigeon Park
  • “Dude Chilling Park”
  • “That one in Yaletown that has NO GRASS.”

Dissenter: “I think our parks are pretty good.”

2. The most annoying branding or re-branding of a neighbourhood

Hands-down winner: “The East Village”

Not Village

Comments:

  • “Stay outta my fucking neighbourhood assholes! It’s Hastings-Sunrise for Christ’s Sake!!!”
  • “Like, do we think we’re fucking NYC? What a joke.”
  • “Let’s go one further: ‘E-Vil.’”

Contenders:

  • “SoMa”
  • “Railtown”
  • “Little Saigon” (“There is no Saigon. There is Ho Chi Minh City. Revisionism stinks.”)
  • “Strathcona Village”
  • “The Beach District”
  • “LoLo”
  • “NoLo”
  • “RoLo”*

* Just making this shit up.

3. The most egregious example of lost heritage

The Legg Residence: “They saved the fucking trees but not the house?”

Legg Residence

Of the many contenders:

  • Canada Post Main Office
  • Chinatown
  • The Ridge
  • The Waldorf
  • The Pantages Theatre
  • The Hollywood
  • “All the trees. Let’s call it natural heritage.”
  • Vancouver

4. The civic party most likely to split the vote in favour of the development coalition

And because there’s no oppositional consensus, it’s a tie: The Cedar Party & COPE

5. I know things are getting bad because …

  • “Leaky condos are back.”
  • “There are hardly any Vancouverites left in Vancouver.”
  • “Too many people seem to be fine with the fact that vancouver is becoming a playground for non resident super wealthy folks. They seem to think we will all benefit; sadly misguided.”
  • “I moved to New West because I can’t stand it in that yoga obsessed, snotbag, $3,000 a month city.”
  • “I am borrowing change from that homeless guy at Howe and Dunsmuir.”
  • “I shit myself on the bus and it didn’t smell any worse then before.”
  • “NPA sounds half-reasonable at times.”
  • “I read Scamcouver.”

6. If the scam in this town had a face, that face would belong to …

Winner, by a country mile: Mayor Gregor Robertson (specifically: “Gregor wearing one of Rennie’s argyle vests”)

Gregor

Runners-up:

  • “Beggar Robertson”
  • “Hi-Rise Robertson”
  • “Fucko McStooge.”

Personal favourite: “One of the Real Housewives of Vancouver.”

6908224954_83063a3b02_zPhoto: Stephen Hui (straight.com/blogra)

7. “I’d check out ____________________, but there are just too many douchebags or hipsters there.”

“That’s a lousy attitude. The kind of attitude a douchbage or hipster would likely espouse.”

Winner: “Vancouver”

Contenders:

  • Food trucks
  • Any eatery on Main St.
  • “Crapt. I mean Craft.”

8. “The cost of living in Vancouver is so high, and the jobs so shite, that ____________________ is starting to look like a viable option.”

The big winner: “Toronto”

The also rans:

  • Abbotsford
  • “Hope-less”
  • “Drunken Duncan”
  • Courtenay-Comox
  • Sycamoose (sic)
  • Sudbury, Windsor, or Hamilton (“Tried to think of 3 worst cities in worst province of Canada.”)
  • “Living in a van.”
  • “Anywhere but here.”
  • “I don’t know, death?”
  • “Suicide.”

9. The motto on Vancouver’s coat of arms reads “By Sea, Land and Air We Prosper.” This should be updated to “By _______________, _______________ and _______________ We Prosper.”

“Safe to say ‘we’ should be changed to ‘some’ or ‘a few.’”

The purely subjective winner: “By Sea Glimpses, Land Values and Hot Air We Prosper”

Mix & match other contenders, as you please:

Scams              Condos                        Sushi

TED Talks        Real Estate                   Community Gardens

Condos           $500 Rain Jackets       Rudest Fucking Cab Drivers in the World

Heroin             Condos                         Overseas investors

Crane              Concrete                       Condo Pre-sale

Fee                 Development Permit     Fine

Yoga               Consumerism                Political Apathy

Condo            Townhouse                    Slumlord

Tanker            Pipeline                         Condo

Rennie            Pot                                 Bullshit

Condo            Bike Lane                      NIMBY

Developers    Development                Developing

Reductio ad adsurdum: “By Condos, Condos and Condos We Prosper”

10. “The one thing that gives me solace is … “

  • “My family and friends.”
  • “Nice sunny days in the park.”
  • “It’s at least not a frozen tundra.”
  • “Some people are still against the Enbridge pipeline and show up to rallies. Environmentalism is still here, somewhere.”
  • “Booze.”
  • “Money and weed.”
  • “I can still smoke a joint.”
  • “My cheap little basement suite.”
  • “I was born here, and refuse to give up.”
  • “Working on my Vancouver exit strategy.”
  • “It’s all crashing down and sinking when the big one comes”
  • “How little I care.”
  • “One day I’ll die.”
  • “This blog.”

Seen in Passing: Parker & Vernon

by Zbigniew

Why