The Artificial Snows of Mt. Olympus

by Zbigniew

Richmond City Council has approved the Richmond Olympic Experience at the Richmond Oval. The $6 million project “will showcase the legacy of the city’s role during the 2010 Games, including the many incredible sights and sounds when the Olympics came to town.”

We humbly propose the inclusion of a Wipeout-style amusement ride to provide patrons with a distilled and unforgettable evocation of 2010.

After paying your $150 entrance fee and clearing a security perimeter patrolled by a phalanx of VPD, RCMP and private security officials, you are strapped into a zipline, while the unmistakable sound of a mindlessly cheering crowd grows in volume. A replica of the Olympic Clock counts down the seconds … ready … go!

A spring loaded hypodermic needle sticks you full of performance enhancing drugs while a powerful vacuum sucks away your wallet and/or purse and loose change.

The line releases and you are whisked past a diorama of the Vancouver skyline comprised of condominium towers and construction cranes.

The zipline brakes and you are dropped onto a high speed revolving platform surrounded by television screens blasting a hyper-kinetic montage of Coca-Cola and McDonald’s ads interspersed with text reading “Best Place on Earth.”

The spinning platform suddenly tilts, throwing you into a chute. As the grade increases, you pick up speed until coming to an abrupt stop against a column -padded for your safety, of course.

Just as you regain your senses, you are buried under a pile of artificial snow.

Digging your way out, you are helped to your feet by a life-sized Quatchi, who -along with his plush, rictus-smiling flunkies- pummel you mercilessly with their red-mitted fists. They beat you in the direction of a long corridor featuring  Olympic champion product endorsements. This leads to the gift shop.

As you stumble towards the exit, Gordon Campbell gives you a high-five and a brochure for the Olympic Village complex, which includes a bill for $494 million. John Furlong plants a sharp kick to your ass, knocking through the exit proper and into a pit full of dead canines.

You scramble out and find yourself by the side of a brand new highway and try to thumb a ride.

Did I miss something?